Category Archives: Journal

In Memory of My Grandfather, Jack Freedman

Posted on January 27, 2025 | Leave a comment

My grandfather passed away three days before this last Christmas. It was emotional. It threw us all. He was my last grandparent. I delivered the following speech at his funeral. I meant to put this up quite some time ago, but never got around to it. I think that I just didn’t want to touch it again for fear of the emotions it would bring back up. But I promised myself and others that I would post the speech here for posterity. I need to post more often because lately, it feels like I’m only posting to this blog when someone close to me passes away.

The following speech was given at my grandfather’s funeral on December 26. We love you, Grandpa:

Ninety-four. How do you encapsulate 94 years full of life into a short speech? Especially when my grandfather was so many things to so many people. A son, a brother, a husband, a father, a grandfather, a great grandfather, an uncle, a friend, a mathematician, an engineer, a teacher, an athlete, a card player, a movie-lover, a traveler… I feel like I could keep going for the rest of the day and still not be able to touch on everything he was. He was such a consistent presence in our lives that it was easy to believe he would be here forever, probably because it was almost impossible to imagine life without him.

I could talk about how he and I would go to the movies, just the two of us, usually to see something no one else wanted to. He had an appreciation for silly schlocky movies that I think I picked up from him. I could talk about how, when I and the other grandchildren were little, he loved to tickle us until we practically couldn’t breathe. About his smile that easily reached his eyes and would light up his whole face when he saw you. About his laugh, that the best I could describe it as would be a close relative of Barney Rubble’s laugh from “The Flintstones.”

A few days ago, we had to sit down and explain to Viviana that my grandfather had passed away. It’s hard to explain what it means in terms a 6-year-old can understand, especially something that, let’s be honest, do any of us really understand it? But she said something that stuck with me. She said that what she thinks happens to us is that we go up into the sky and become a star so that we can watch over our loved ones (she said this in a more roundabout way that a 6-year-old does, so I’m paraphrasing a bit). But it made me think of something.

My grandfather was a brilliant mathematician and engineer. He worked on several high-profile projects. We’re talking about the kind of things that made the news, although he himself never sought the spotlight. He always said that to him, it was just the job he was hired to do. But there was one project of his that always stuck out to me: the Galileo space probe. Being a science nerd, something that he actively encouraged, I was fascinated by this project. For those who aren’t familiar with it, it was the first probe of its kind. It was sent to orbit Jupiter and drop a probe into its atmosphere to take readings, something that had never been done before, and paved the way for other such projects later. I found out after its launch that he was on the team that designed it, and I was in awe when I found out. Galileo orbited Jupiter until 2003 when it was sent into a final descent into Jupiter. We think we know what happened to it then, but there is some room for speculation, and there it will remain.

For those of us who have had project-based jobs, we know that on particularly large or intensive projects, it can feel like you put a part of yourself into the project. While my grandfather maintained that it was just his job, I’m sure a part of him felt that way. In a way, it’s almost as though a part of my grandfather is up there.

So I know that on some night, I’m going to be outside with my daughter, and I’ll point up at the night sky and say, “You see that, right there? That little point of light right up there? In a way, a part of your great grandfather, his brilliant mind, is up there and a part of that light, and he’s watching over us right now and smiling.”

Leave a comment

Posted in Journal, memories, Uncategorized

Tagged , , , , , ,

In Memory of my Grandmother, Lucille Nylander

Posted on September 27, 2023 | Leave a comment

On August 1, 2023, my grandmother, Lucille Nylander, passed away after a short illness, with her family at her bedside. At 96 years old, it still came as a shock. My grandmother and I were very close which is why I’ve had enormous difficulty trying to write about it, which is one way I process things, and is why I haven’t done so until now. This last Friday, we held a funeral/celebration of life, and I was asked to give a speech. People have asked if they could see the speech, so I’m posting it in its entirety here and adding some appropriate pictures:

I’ve been struggling to write this for a while, but it’s been very difficult to put into words. What do you say about someone who has been a consistent and significant part of your life for 45 years? Someone who was always supportive of your interests and your efforts, even if she didn’t always fully understand them herself. Someone who always had your back and was always there when you needed her, and now she’s suddenly not there. But I’m going to try, anyway.

My grandmother and I had a unique relationship. There’s the idea that the relationship between a boy and his grandmother is special, but with us, I think that was compounded by the fact that I was not only her oldest grandchild by about a decade, but I was also her only grandson. She was an incredibly fierce defender of her family, too. When I was a child, I had strep throat for six months because the insurance company wouldn’t authorize the tonsillectomy. My grandmother marched into the doctor’s office and demanded they authorize the surgery and refused to leave until they did so. Of course, at the time, I didn’t understand why she was fighting for more medical procedures for me, but, of course, looking back now I know that she quite possibly saved me.

She was a financial wizard and was always ready to help or advise with any question we would have. If there was any quirk to her, I would have to say it was her penchant for the Home Shopping Network, even in the age of the Internet. I remember she would give us some odd gifts from HSN. But if you want to know what made this especially funny, even though these gifts seemed odd at the time, they would often prove to be very, sometimes surprisingly, useful. Like the time she gave me and others portable air compressors as gifts, which seemed strange at the time. I had no idea when I would use something like that. But literally a few months later I got a flat tire and my spare turned out to be flat, too, and needed to be inflated on the side of the road. It was like she had a sixth sense about these things, like the peddler in that old Twilight Zone episode “What You Need” (if you’re not sure of the one I’m talking about, go find it and watch it; it’s a good episode).

She was not only very proud of being a grandmother to five grandchildren but also to one great-grandchild, even though she didn’t like being called “Great Grandma.” We ended up settling on “Grandma Lucy.” I’ll never forget when Olivia and I went to tell her that we were having a baby. She literally jumped off the couch, shouting “Hallelujah!” I really wish I had recorded that moment. It was then that she told us that the one thing she wanted more than anything was to meet at least one of her great-grandchildren and had been praying for this. And with Vivy being born a little more than a week before Christmas, her prayers were answered as she got to meet her great-granddaughter on Christmas Eve.

My grandmother and Vivy meeting each other for the first time.

Unfortunately, she broke her hip shortly after Vivy was born, so she didn’t have a chance to full-on play with her the way I’m sure she wanted to, due to being bed/couchridden. But I’m thankful that she didn’t just get to meet Vivy after she was born but had the opportunity to see her grow over the next four years into a sweet little girl who, whenever we would visit, would come running over to the couch where her “Grandma Lucy” was lying down and would give her a hug and a kiss, and my grandmother saying, “There’s my girl.”

Grandma Lucy and Vivy, so happy together

One of the things that makes losing her so difficult is that she was still very much there right up to the last moment. Her mind was always so sharp; it was just her body that was failing her. When I went to visit her in the hospital near the end, even though she was having trouble with muscle control and fully forming words, when she saw me come into the room, she still managed to give me that smile that always reached her eyes, saying what she always said when she saw me: “Oh, hi Shel!” And as I sat with her and told her about Vivy and what she was up to, my grandmother still managed to laugh.

Now, while we may not have her physically here with us anymore, we’re left with wonderful memories of her. I really hope, despite her young age, that Vivy is able to hold onto the good memories of the time she got to spend with her Grandma Lucy, and as she grows up I look forward to sharing my own memories of my grandmother, like the time my grandmother found a rattlesnake in her yard and killed it, buried the head (as you’re supposed to do), and came back for the rest but found that the neighbor’s dog ate it..To her, it was a funny story about the dog, but almost everyone else got stuck on the fact that she just prepared, confronted, and dealt with a potentially deadly snake and glossed over it like it was nothing. When people pointed that out to her, she would say, “Well, there are children around. It’s not safe. What was I supposed to do?” 

Even now, weeks after her passing, something comes up that makes me think of my grandmother and I’m not ashamed to admit that I tear up a little. I don’t feel like I’ve fully absorbed the fact that she’s gone now, but at least we know that she no longer has any pain, and I take comfort in knowing that she had a long and joyous life filled with family, friends, and laughter. I’m thankful for that, but I still miss her and I know that I always will.

My grandmother and I at my wedding.

Leave a comment

Posted in Journal, memories

Tagged , , , ,

My Grandma

Posted on September 1, 2022 | Leave a comment

We lost my grandmother on Tuesday after a lengthy battle with Parkinson’s disease. While it was expected to happen at some point, it still comes as a shock when it does. The fact that she nearly made it to 91 years old with advanced Parkinson’s is a testament to just how tough and how full of life she was, even in her near-locked-in state. She and my grandfather were always on the go before Parkinson’s set it, taking cruises and traveling everywhere, always coming back with stories, many involving some sort of funny mishap. She was always the hostess with the mostest, hosting lots of family parties. That seemed to be when she was most in her element. She loved having family and friends around more than anything, which made the pandemic especially hard on her. And I’ll always remember how, especially at family dinners, she liked to tell jokes that let’s just politely say were “inappropriate.” 😂

Even though we’re all hurting right now, I feel thankful and privileged that she got to be a big part of my life for 44 years, and that she even got to see a couple of her great-grandchildren, my own daughter included. I’ve done my best to explain something that’s not fully explainable to my daughter, and she gets it about as much as you would expect a three-year-old would. But she definitely knows something is wrong and people are sad, but I want her to see that and I’m explaining to her that it’s okay and normal to be sad.

Most of her grandchildren referred to her as Booboo, a distortion of Bubbe, which is what her mother was known as before her. Initially, my grandmother didn’t want to take on the title, saying that Booboo was her mother, not her. But eventually, she warmed up to and embraced it. The problem is that I was old enough to remember her mother (my great-grandmother), so in my mind, she was always Grandma. She always had that warm, caring, and welcoming personality and would always greet you with a big smile that easily reached her eyes. Even near the end when she had no muscle control and was practically locked in, you could still see a smile in her eyes when she saw you. I’m going to miss that immensely.

Rest easy and without pain now, Grandma. I have little doubt that you already knew just how much you were loved, but I’ll say it anyway. We love you.

Leave a comment

Posted in Journal, memories

Tagged , , , , , ,

Memories for my Daughter: 9/11

Posted on September 11, 2021 | Leave a comment

I’ve decided to write down specific memories of certain times for posterity, as well to have some memories for my daughter to look over, my main fear being that when I get older I may start to lose my memory, and I would like to have things written down for her and others to know what it was like at the time. I’m going to start with my memory of September 11, 2001. I was luckier than many. I had never been to New York at the time, so I had no personal memories, nor did I know anyone who was there or lose anyone I knew in the attacks.

I’ve decided to write down specific memories of certain times for posterity, as well to have some memories for my daughter to look over, my main fear being that when I get older I may start to lose my memory, and I would like to have things written down for her and others to know what it was like at the time. I’m going to start with my memory of September 11, 2001. I was luckier than many. I had never been to New York at the time, so I had no personal memories, nor did I know anyone who was there or lose anyone I knew in the attacks.

I remember the morning very clearly. I was woken up by my clock radio next to the bed. Usually, I had it tuned to a music station, but there was a breaking news alert that a plane had collided with the World Trade Center. That was the only information available at the time and they would have more information later.

Of course, there had been stories of small passenger planes hitting buildings before, so that was where my mind immediately went. Tragic, but I didn’t think much more of it at the time. That was the morning that midterms were supposed to start, and being my senior year in college, I obviously had other things on my mind. I didn’t turn the TV on. I just ate a quick breakfast, got dressed, made myself presentable, and got in the car to head to campus.

On the car radio, they were saying that there were reports of a second plane hitting the World Trade Center. Flipping through the channels, where there was usually music or morning shows, they were all either on the news or the morning shows were warning people that there was going to be no comedy that morning. They began reporting that one of the towers had completely collapsed, and now they started saying the other one had collapsed. Partway through my drive to campus, they started saying that there were unconfirmed reports about a plane crashing into the Pentagon.

At this point it was clear what was going on, but the extent was still a big unknown. There were no reports about what happened to United 93 and there wouldn’t be for a while. I got to campus and no one was really saying anything. When I got to class, the professor was already talking to everyone about what happened. There would be no midterm today. People could talk if they needed to or just go. Class ended up being cut short anyway.

So I wandered for a bit and bumped into a couple of friends. We talked about it for a bit, but then we each went to our next classes. This class was in a new building that still didn’t have all the wiring together yet. But it was about video technology, so we managed to jury-rig a projector to carry a live broadcast of the news, and we talked about what happened. This was the first time I finally got to see the news footage of the planes hitting the towers. The professor said that we could all leave our cell phones and pagers on today (remember, this was 2001) in the event that we needed to get a hold of our families. About half way through this class, an administrator stuck her head in the door and said that classes were cancelled for the rest of the day (remember, there was really only electricity going to this building at this point, so there was no easier way to communicate). So that was it for the school day.

The rest of the day was kind of a blur. I remember heading back home and pretty much just watching the TV the rest of day as more news trickled in, at least from the corner of my eye while browsing the internet on the computer. Weird that I feel like I need to point out these specifics because the world has changed so much. It became clear very shortly that Osama bin Laden and al Qaeda were behind it. I remember Tom Clancy being interviewed on CNN and he practically started the interview by saying how the US needs to look at itself and how it had treated the Muslim world, that the US may have brought this down on itself, and CNN very quickly ending the interview then and there. I don’t think the interview lasted for even a minute. I remember eyes were already pointing towards Afghanistan since that was the last known location of Osama bin Laden, and reports with live video of fighting occurring with assumptions that we had already invaded (it was later revealed that this fighting was actually part of the ongoing conflict between the Taliban and the Northern Alliance).

Over the next few days and weeks, the new normal set in. Another World Trade Center building collapsed (many forget that it wasn’t just the twin towers that came down). There were more reports of injuries and deaths, but also of people being rescued. Despite what may be thought of now, while people did talk about what had happened, people also made a genuine effort to carry on with their lives with some normalcy. People were not walking around with gas masks everywhere and jumping at shadows. People were far more resilient at the time than some portrayals now seem to indicate. Although 9/11 was always a constant background buzz in everyone’s life. I think this was when the 24-hour news cycle really came to the forefront, and it was always talked about every day for years.

So, those are my basic memories of that day. Do you have any personal memories to share about this day? Let me know in the comments.

Leave a comment

Posted in Journal, memories

Tagged , , , ,

Pardon My Politics: State of What Union?

Posted on February 5, 2020 | Leave a comment

WritingI didn’t watch the State of the Union address to Congress. At this point, I don’t think there’s enough money that could get me to watch that bloated orange baboon anus spewing his crap anymore. In the interest of sanity, I avoided it. However, I’m also a news junkie, so I did look at the highlights of the event. Here’s my takeaway:

Trump snubbing Pelosi’s handshake wasn’t surprising. If nothing else, and about the only thing, is that Trump is a showman. He understand optics, especially television optics, and he knows that his core audience isn’t for playing nice. It’s bad form for those of us with a more reasonable mentality that want to heal the divide, but Trump is about Trump. He’ll do what plays to his advantage and screw any unity. Pelosi tearing up his speech at the end was optics as well. While it’s viewed by some as rude, I think waiting until he was actually done was showing incredible politeness given the circumstances. Frankly, I wouldn’t have minded if the Democrats had been throwing rotten vegetables at Trump during the speech. It’s all the dignity he deserves.

Most of the address was about theatrics. The soldier’s reunion with his family, the scholarship moment, all done for the sake of television. I’ll let others go into more depth on the facts, or lack thereof, in Trump’s statements. I don’t really have the time to go over all of that here. Suffice to say that, yes, the market is doing well, but the market is not the economy. And yes, unemployment is low, but also keep in mind how unemployment is calculated, namely that the underemployed and or those who have given up looking for work are not counted. So there’s a big disconnect in the numbers and practical reality.

The big disgusting moment came with the awarding of the Presidential Medal of Freedom to Rush Limbaugh. Let’s first address the elephant in the room. Limbaugh announced that he was diagnosed with advanced lung cancer on Monday. Now, I try not to engage in genuine Schadenfreude. There’s finding humor in someone getting hit on the head for comedic purposes, as in the Three Stooges. Then there’s watching someone die slowly and painfully from a hideous illness, even if they’re your worst enemy. There’s a big difference. I’ve been lucky enough to not personally have known anyone who’s had to suffer through that, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t have empathy. So while I don’t take joy or even wish this on Limbaugh, admittedly his track record does make it difficult to truly wish him well.

So when Trump announced that he was giving Limbaugh the Medal of Freedom, it didn’t go over too well. This is a man who has made a career out of dividing America. A man who’s been trying to Jerry-Springer things on the streets, not just for a studio audience for entertainment purposes. This is a man who said that he would abandon the US to what he considered its fate if the Affordable Care Act was ever passed into law and run away to Costa Rica (still waiting on that one, by the way). And now the orange shitstain is blatantly politicizing the Medal of Freedom by giving it to a conservative mouthpiece? I wouldn’t be surprised to hear some previous winners throwing their medals away in disgust. The award is now permanently stained and will never be the same.

With the politics of divisiveness on full display and being used just to win elections, the question becomes “What Union?” We are not united in anything. There is no unity, and thus, if there is a “Union” it’s holding together by a thread. Anyway, these are just some quick thoughts and I don’t want to go into anymore detail on the speech, but I had to get this out there.

Leave a comment

Posted in Journal, Rants

Tagged , , , ,