Mrs. Claus puts a hit out on her unfaithful husband. Giants crabs with laser trying to ruin the perfect Christmas. Elf porn!
These are the Christmas-themed Bizarro short stories that make up Christmas on Crack, edited by Carlton Mellick III. Yes, I chose to read this one in time for the holidays. Because I’m just that twisted.
You’ll have your pick from thoroughly Bizarro stories here, and there’s no shortage of Bizarro-ness. There also no shortage of Christmas-ness in these stories, rather than stories that are only loosely related to Christmas. Which is strange when you think about the latter. Christmas is a holiday that really lends itself well to this genre.
A quick summary for each story is as follows:
Santa Claus and the Elves of Fuck by Jordan Krall:
Mrs. Claus puts a hit out on Santa for stepping out on her. But did he really step out, or has he been kidnapped?
Frosty and the Full Monty by Jeff Burk:
Frosty comes to life, but finds that living snowmen are addiction-prone, particularly to ice. Snowjobs aplenty.
Unwanted Gifts by Andrew Goldfarb:
A short, one page cartoon.
Two-Way Santa by Kevin L. Donihe:
Santa has quit his north pole gig, but is now homeless. That is, until someone gives him a place to stay for the night…
The Christmas Turn-On by Edmund Colell:
Imagine that the batteries used in your Christmas toys were alive and looked forward to Christmas because to them it was one big orgy.
The Elf-Slut Sisters by Cameron Pierce and Kirsten Alene:
In short, elf porn. Dark elf porn. Twisted and dark elf porn.
Christmas Crabs by Kevin Shamel:
Giant crabs with lasers try to ruin Christmas, but Rudy Olen won’t let that stop him from having the perfect family Christmas.
So, how are they? As is often the case with anthologies, some of these stories are better than others, and it’s really according to taste, but there’s really not a miss among them. They’re all solid stories told in a few pages each. My particular favorite was Christmas Crabs, but again this is likely according to taste as this story brought up memories of “National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation,” a classic in its own right. The Elf Slut Sisters might be a little disturbing, no make that a lot disturbing, to those who aren’t prepared or haven’t read things by Cameron Pierce before. Fortunately, I’ve read and reviewed Ass Goblins of Aushwitz previously, so I had some idea what I was in for.
If you’re looking for some really messed-up Christmas stories, this is the place. There’s something for everyone and every level and type of dementia (we’re all a little mad). At the same time, being short stories by different authors, there are going to be certain stories that simply won’t click with some readers. It’s a measured risk with anthologies. However, I can still give the collection a hearty recommendation.
Christmas on Crack, edited by Carlton Mellick III, earns 4 “Ho’s” our of 5.