Tag Archives: book review

Christmas on Crack by Carlton Mellick III
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

Mrs. Claus puts a hit out on her unfaithful husband. Giants crabs with laser trying to ruin the perfect Christmas. Elf porn!

These are the Christmas-themed Bizarro short stories that make up Christmas on Crack, edited by Carlton Mellick III. Yes, I chose to read this one in time for the holidays. Because I’m just that twisted.

You’ll have your pick from thoroughly Bizarro stories here, and there’s no shortage of Bizarro-ness. There also no shortage of Christmas-ness in these stories, rather than stories that are only loosely related to Christmas. Which is strange when you think about the latter. Christmas is a holiday that really lends itself well to this genre.

A quick summary for each story is as follows:

Santa Claus and the Elves of Fuck by Jordan Krall:
Mrs. Claus puts a hit out on Santa for stepping out on her. But did he really step out, or has he been kidnapped?

Frosty and the Full Monty by Jeff Burk:
Frosty comes to life, but finds that living snowmen are addiction-prone, particularly to ice. Snowjobs aplenty.

Unwanted Gifts by Andrew Goldfarb:
A short, one page cartoon.

Two-Way Santa by Kevin L. Donihe:
Santa has quit his north pole gig, but is now homeless. That is, until someone gives him a place to stay for the night…

The Christmas Turn-On by Edmund Colell:
Imagine that the batteries used in your Christmas toys were alive and looked forward to Christmas because to them it was one big orgy.

The Elf-Slut Sisters by Cameron Pierce and Kirsten Alene:
In short, elf porn. Dark elf porn. Twisted and dark elf porn.

Christmas Crabs by Kevin Shamel:
Giant crabs with lasers try to ruin Christmas, but Rudy Olen won’t let that stop him from having the perfect family Christmas.

So, how are they? As is often the case with anthologies, some of these stories are better than others, and it’s really according to taste, but there’s really not a miss among them. They’re all solid stories told in a few pages each. My particular favorite was Christmas Crabs, but again this is likely according to taste as this story brought up memories of “National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation,” a classic in its own right. The Elf Slut Sisters might be a little disturbing, no make that a lot disturbing, to those who aren’t prepared or haven’t read things by Cameron Pierce before. Fortunately, I’ve read and reviewed Ass Goblins of Aushwitz previously, so I had some idea what I was in for.

If you’re looking for some really messed-up Christmas stories, this is the place. There’s something for everyone and every level and type of dementia (we’re all a little mad). At the same time, being short stories by different authors, there are going to be certain stories that simply won’t click with some readers. It’s a measured risk with anthologies. However, I can still give the collection a hearty recommendation.

Christmas on Crack, edited by Carlton Mellick III, earns 4 “Ho’s” our of 5.

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Beyond the Valley of the Apocalypse Donkeys by Jordan Krall
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

Upon reading the title, your first thought may be “What exactly is an Apocalypse Donkey?” For the answer to this question, please call 1-800-APOCADONK.

Okay, so my first thought on reading Beyond the Valley of the Apocalypse Donkeys by Jordan Krall was that the author needs to lay off the acid for a bit. This one gets weird. Like, really weird. But then again, it has to. How else can you fit nudists, donkey masks, green hummingbirds, and blueberry pancakes in the same narrative?

Henry delivers sporting goods to a nudist colony for his uncle, Vincent. As such, he’s allowed to periodically “hang out” (get it?), and at one points meets an older woman wearing a donkey mask which she never takes off. While the two have their tryst (she’s cheating on her ex-dare-devil husband, Bill, although he’s well aware of her infidelity, not to mention his own), Henry is also dealing with Gary, who believes (i.e., obsessed) that Henry could get him a copy of one of the rarest movies in existence, “The Apocalypse Donkey.” A murder, a kidnapping, a not-quite orgy, a director’s cut, blueberry pancakes, and general mayhem later, and you’re left asking “What did I just read?”

But the thing is, like “The Apocalypse Donkey” and blueberry pancakes, it sticks with you. You keep reading, wondering where it’s going, and afterwords you keep thinking about it and wonder where it went. This is the mark of a good writer, making you continue to think about the book long after it’s done. Like blueberry pancakes, you’ll keep digesting it over and over. And in the end, you realize things really couldn’t have gone any other way.

When reading this book, you’ll also need to be sure that you read the Afterword by Matthew Revert. This is a little gem tucked in at the end that I’m concerned being an Afterword will get largely ignored by many who read the book. Written as an alternate history and telling the tale of the “original” Jordan Krall (as explained in the Foreword) and production and publication of the Beyond the Valley of the Apocalypse Donkeys, the best way I can describe it is “mind-numbingly hysterical.”

Beyond the Valley of the Apocalypse Donkeys by Jordan Krall earns 4 out of 5 stars.

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Rico Slade Will Fucking Kill You by Bradley Sands

My rating: 4 of 5 stars

In short, there’s one word that I would use to describe Rico Slade will Fucking Kill You by Bradley Sands: Hillarious! Several times, I found myself laughing out loud during the book. Okay, that’s too short of a review, so let me see if I can expand on this.

The novel follows the antics of Chip Johnson, a Hollywood movie actor famous for his role as the action movie character Rico Slade, who has a penchant for ripping out throats. After a particularly stressful day, Chip snaps and comes to believe that he really is Rico Slade, and proceeds to travel around Hollywood kicking everyone’s ass whom he sees as an enemy, which pretty much everyone. He does this in pursuit of his (Rico Slade’s) archnemesis, Baron Mayhem, played by Chip’s former lover George, and all while pursued by his (Chip’s) body-hair-obsessed psychologist, Harold Schwartzman, who Chip/Rico keeps mistaking for his (Rico’s) sidekick, Joe Pesci. Are you still with me?

The novel skewers the Hollywood stereotypes pretty savagely, from plastic-surgery obsessions, tour buses, traffic jams, and ranting action-movie director Jared Bruckheiny (guess who that’s supposed to be). Sands also mock/pays tribute to action movie stereotypes, with repeated, over-the-top martial arts moves, constant explosions, and loud rock music playing in the background. I kind of got the feelings that the author may have had the movie “Last Action Hero” playing in the background while writing this novel, or was at least inspired by it. At the same time, I found myself identifying with Chip in a way. I mean, who hasn’t wanted to snap after having a really bad day and go on a rampage through the city? Anyone? Anyone? Just me? I’m not sure if I should be concerned about that.

If I have any complaint, it would be the ending, but it’s a big enough complaint to detract a full star and left me a little cold. For obvious reasons, I won’t divulge the ending, but suffice to say that it was disappointing in the least. Not surprising, just disappointing.

Overall, though, it’s an enjoyable and downright fun read that still gets a recommendation. It’s a fun journey, but the destination is ultimately more like Grimsville than the Carribean.

Rico Slade Will Fucking Kill You by Bradley Sands earns 4 out of 5 stars.

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Ass Goblins Of Auschwitz by Cameron Pierce
My rating: 2.5 of 5 stars

If you’ve noticed a recent trend in my reviews, I’ve been reading a lot of what gets classified as “bizarro fiction.” I remember when I first heard about it, about a year ago, and I pictured stories that would be weird, off-the-wall, and probably containing concepts or imagery that would be purely for shock value. What I had read so far was okay in these regards, but I was more surprised at the way these authors had chosen not to push these boundaries as hard as I expected.

Then I read Ass Goblins of Auschwitz by Cameron Pierce, a book whose title alone would immediately push the envelope. This is the kind of book that I pictured bizarro fiction would be like when I first heard about it. It’s shocking to the point that, if you’re not disturbed or even feel the need to vomit, at least early on in the book, then you probably need psychological help.

The story itself is pretty simple. It’s told from the perspective of a boy named 999, a conjoined twin with his brother Otto from Kidland, who are prisoners in the land of Auschwitz, ruled by the cruel ass goblins. The only prisoners are children. Some are sacrificed on a daily basis.

The first half of the book deals with describing life in Auschwitz, while the second half is where the full plot really comes in as 999 and his brother become the subjects of an experiment by a particular ass goblin known as the White Angel.

In terms of describing daily life, I’m not sure if the author was attempting some kind of satire or underlying meaning to everything, whether it’s the cruelty of adults to children, the jealousy of childhood innocence, or the injustice of a prostate exam. Most of this gets buried under imagery so disturbing that you don’t really care about any underlying meaning.

Are there flaws in the book? Well, honestly, I can’t really point to any in particular. While the imagery is disturbing and even over-the-top, I’m pretty sure that was the author’s goal, so mission accomplished. I guess there are a few logistical problems in terms of consistent character description or actions, but these tend to get diluted in an otherwise consistent novel. So the novel is definitely very proficient technically

At the same time, while I try to be fairly objective, personal opinion and feelings are going to come into reviews like this, and keeping that in mind, I failed to really like the novel. Based on my previous experience with bizarro fiction, the title, and the somewhat silly cover, I expected something that would be a little more satirical and probably a bit offensive but ultimately funny in its offense. I was not prepared for the mental assault experienced, particularly at the beginning. Come to think of it, that’s very much what the opening feels like. It’s like you’re being assaulted mentally by the disconcerting, and it feels a bit like the author is doing it for the same reason that the ass goblins torture the children: Because he can.

At the same time, it’s difficult to fault the novel or the author. He had a goal in mind, and if I read it correctly he achieved his goal, even if I’m not entirely sure what that goal was, but at the end I just felt drained and empty over the usual curiosity or wanting more.

Ass Goblins of Auschwitz is ultimately an okay novel, but the assault to the senses can be a bit much, even for bizarro fiction based on my previous experiences. At the same time, it did leave me somewhat morbidly curious about Cameron Pierce’s other works, as the novel is quite good on a technical level. But I would only recommend this novel for those who want something more “extreme” in the genre and have a fairly strong stomach. Which I do, but I think I simply wasn’t prepared for what I got, like expecting hot buffalo wings that turn out to be atomic.

Ass Goblins of Auschwitz earns 2.5 out of 5 stars.

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Thursday Thistle: A Fairy Tale by August V. Fahren
My rating: 3.5 of 5 stars

“Me-O-My Monday is missing and Thursday has come again.”

This is the theme that runs throughout Thursday Thistle, an adult-oriented fairytale by August V. Fahren. It’s a little gem of story, although it’s a gem with some significant flaws.

Thursday Thistle is the title character, a teenage girl who lives with her clueless father and abusive stepsisters (her stepmother had run off). She’s a nice girl who puts up with a lot, and passes much of her time practicing her drawings, although all she ever draws is anatomically-correct robot mermaids. After meeting a two-headed talking mouse, she travels to the world of Lethe, a place which has largely been forgotten or ignored, but from which all of our fairytales have sprung. However, Thursday soon discovers that, while modern tellings tend to water-down the original fairytales, the original fairytales are themselves watered-down from reality (for example, Snow White is actually Princess Wednesday, a nymphomaniac sex slave to the seven diminutives).

Her quest is to find and free Princess Monday, who she has been told was kidnapped by the cannibal queen. Thursday’s journey immediately brings to mind Alice in Wonderland, meeting crazy people and situations that don’t necessarily make sense, and I seriously doubt that my interpretation is unique. It was definitely an interesting and compelling story. There are some major flaws with the book, however.

The first and most obvious is that Thursday Thistle desperately needs more editing. There are a fair number of errors in the book, including punctuation, misspelled words, missing words, and grammatical problems. This is a purely technical problem that could easily be fixed, and as such I wish it had been. With the number of technical errors throughout the book, it breaks the reading flow and yanks a reader off the page very easily.

Second, the plot felt very uneven, and it felt like there were chunks of the book that had been edited down or taken out altogether. Ultimately, the plot holds together, but I’m pretty sure I could see the stitching involved to do so. Unfortunately, this makes the plot and character movement feel very herky jerky, like sitcoms where someone is learning to drive for the first time and the car goes quickly forward a few feet before screeching to a stop, then repeating over and over again.

Despite this, Thursday Thistle is also strangely compelling. As I read, I was genuinely curious as to where the author was going to go with it, especially the hints peppered throughout the book of an incredibly rich backstory, as though the author had written his own Silmarillion-style reference guide to the history of Lethe. And I can tell you that sticking with it does pay off with a well written ending. At the same time, I wanted to know more, and it felt like there was supposed to be more, but that it got cut out or left out for whatever reason. Hopefully the author has a sequel on the horizon, because there are still some significant questions left unanswered.

The book can be rewarding but can also get frustrating at the same time because of the above mentioned flaws. It’s short, and definitely worth your time, but if you’re a stickler for technical detail, your frustration level will likely be heightened. It would earn four stars, but the technical problems are significant enough in my opinion that I have to detract a half-star.

Thursday Thistle by August V. Fahren earns 3.5 out of 5 stars.

Note: A free copy of this book was sent to this reviewer by the author for review purposes. This did not affect this review in any way.

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