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Book Review: The Crud Masters

Posted on October 27, 2012 | Leave a comment

The Crud MastersThe Crud Masters by Justin Grimbol
My rating: 3 of 5 stars

Let me get something out of the way before I go into the main review. The Crud Masters by Justin Grimbol is based on The Outsiders, a classic novel many were forced to read during school. I, however, was not. I have never read it. I have never seen the movie. So I went into reading this novel cold, without any prior knowledge of the material that it parodies. That being said, take this review with a grain of salt.

The Crud Masters are a poor gang that lives in a Hamptons-like seaside town and is menaced by the rich kids of NOLA. However, the world’s shorelines are also being menaced by Dagoons, giant mutant creatures that come up from the ocean to attack coastal communities. No one knows where they have come from or why they are so aggressive.

Our main character, Boogers, suffers from a chronic case of nasal congestion after he was addicted to nasal spray and gave it up. The other Crud Masters include a cuddler, a brash loudmouth, a young girl, an old man, an aging blue sexbot, and a moddy (someone who has modified their body extensively, in this case to look like a bear). During a night about town, a couple of them encounter the NOLA kids who attack them with their Transformer. No, seriously, his car turns into a giant fighting robot. This leads to some bad blood and the demands for a rumble. But how can the Crud Masters hope to beat the NOLA kids when they have an unbeatable robot?

I’m not sure if it was just me or the fact that I haven’t read The Outsiders, but I had a bit of a hard time getting into this one. Don’t get me wrong. It’s an easy read, and the final climactic scene is certainly fun and satisfying, but for some reason the overall novel just didn’t quite click with me. The characters are well developed, to the point that I did feel a bit sad about the tragic end of one of them. The plot makes sense, or at least as much sense as a bizarro novel can.

I guess that my biggest problem is the pacing. The pace at which the plot flows feels uneven and jerky. Then again, the original could be the same way and I just don’t know it. I’m judging this book on its own merits.

The Crud Masters is part of the 2011-2012 New Bizarro Authors Series, which means that this is Justin Grimbol’s first published novel. It’s a respectable effort and I did enjoy it, but probably not as much I thought I would, especially based on the awesome cover art. Again, I may not be giving this novel a fair shake, but I have to give The Crud Masters by Justing Grimbol only 3 out of 5 rampaging monsters.

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Book Review: Placenta of Love

Posted on October 27, 2012 | Leave a comment

Placenta of LovePlacenta of Love by Spike Marlowe
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

Captain Carl is a Robo-pirate who develops and falls in love with an artificial intelligence that he has implanted into a placenta. This all takes place in an amusement park that covers the entire planet Venus. Don’t worry. It’s a lot to take in, and probably oversimplifies it a bit.

This is the basic plot behind Placenta of Love by Spike Marlowe, part of the 2011-2012 line in the New Bizarro Authors Series, which means that this is Marlowe’s first published novel. Each chapter begins with the description of a particular attraction around the park and how it works. It’s actually quite creative. It makes one wonder if the author may have been a Disney Imagineer in a previous incarnation.

The plot is decent. There’s some odd characters to be had, but nothing that’s really out of the realm of a bizarro novel. You have a Robo-cat that shows up and requests that Captain Carl gives it “spankies.” You have Pope Natzo Innocent of…okay, I’m not going into that because it would spoil the plot, and because this review would become an entire tome in and of itself were I to go into it.

It’s actually an interesting exploration into the how a childlike A.I. would potentially learn about its surrounding, decide it doesn’t want to do what it was designed to do, but then discovers that it may be necessary to address its true nature. In an amusement park. On the planet Venus. Well, it’s certainly a better exploration of this than that God-awful movie “A.I. Artificial Intelligence” for which I still haven’t forgiven Steven Spielberg and quite possibly never will.

The writing and the story line are good, if a bit far-fetched physically, which when dealing with a bizarro novel is saying something. My biggest complaint is probably the characters. Captain Carl and even Natzo Innocent are written well, with Carl as a developing and learning A.I., while Natzo is an experienced A.I. and has learned more about the ways of the world. But a lot of the other characters felt a little flat. Even Helen, Captain Carl’s love interest and titular placenta, comes off a bit two-dimensional, only pushing the boundaries of a third-dimension and not quite taking shape. Still, strip out the bizarro elements and it’s a classic, tragic love story. And I have to give the author credit for her creativity in actually thinking about how such an amusement park and each ride would work. That kind of attention to detail is surprising for a short novella, but helps bring the location to life.

Placenta of Love by Spike Marlowe earns 4 out of 5 glowing orange fingers.

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Book Review: Party Wolves in my Skull

Posted on October 27, 2012 | Leave a comment

Party Wolves in my SkullParty Wolves in my Skull by Michael Allen Rose
My rating: 4.5 of 5 stars

Party Wolves in my Skull by Michael Allen Rose is troubling, but probably not in any conventional sense. I’ll have to explain that in a moment. But first…

Norman wakes up as his eyes are pushing their way out of his head to free themselves from his oppression. They’ve gained sentience and decided to free themselves and run off to get married. It’s a little more complicated than this, involving freedom of the proletariat and such, but it’s ultimately flavor without being that important to the plot. Anyway, Norman places a vacancy sign on his head, so the party wolves move into his skull, and they go with Norman to pursue his fleeing eyeballs. But the party wolves have a secret of their own. Along the way, they meet Zoe, a woman with a secret of her own who is being pursued by Walter, a giant talking walrus. Are you still with me?

Now for the troubling part: I don’t know if it’s because I’ve read too much bizarro fiction up to this point, but this novel makes a weird kind of sense. No, seriously! As I’m reading this book, I found myself stopping periodically and saying, “Yeah, I get that. It makes sense.” Or I just seriously need medication. I’ll have to figure that one out at a later date and not while working on a book review that involves a man with a wolf pack living in his head falling in love with a woman who previously engaged in human-walrus relations.

At the end, though, what I walk away from Party Wolves in my Skull thinking is that this book was just plain fun. It’s brain candy. It’s short, sweet, and fun. And the reveals of the characters’ secrets are themselves rather fun and add to the story and characters rather than detract from them. They don’t disappoint and add a couple of nice twists to the story and to the character development. Yes, the author manages to get some significant and believable character development here.

Party Wolves in my Skull by Michael Allen Rose earns 4.5 random pills out of 5.

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Book Review: Trashland A Go-Go

Posted on October 27, 2012 | Leave a comment

Trashland A Go-GoTrashland A Go-Go by Constance Ann Fitzgerald
My rating: 3.5 of 5 stars

When an “accident” takes out Coco the stripper in the club where she works, the club manager and the DJ dump her body in the dumpster. This is no ordinary dumpster, but rather a doorway to the magical land of Narn…oh, wait, not quite.

Instead, Coco wakes up in Trashland, a land made entirely of rubbish. She is joined by a talking fly, Rudy, on her journey to find a way home. She meets the Oracle, who reads her fortune using a bag of discarded body parts, and then travels to the palace to meet the Queen, who seems to be a walking mold who gives off spores to dominate her subjects. Confused yet? Don’t be. Believe it or not, this is surprisingly normal compared to some of the bizarro fiction out there.

Trashland A Go-Go is part of the 2011 line of the New Bizarro Authors Series, meaning that this is Constance Ann Fitzgerald’s first published novel. And it’s a very respectable effort for a first time genre novelist. In fact, it’s quite good. There are just a couple of things that need to be nitpicked.

First, I felt like I was missing a large chunk of the story. Literally, it felt like this started out as a larger story and got cut down, but that some of the sections cut may have been significant to the story. In fact, this makes it feel skeletal with chunks of meat hanging from the bones, rather than a complete, fully-formed story.

This ties into the second problem, which is that some of the secondary characters seem superfluous. They really don’t serve much of a purpose. The case that stood out to me was how the club’s DJ also ends up in Trashland. But this doesn’t seem to serve a purpose other than to show that Trashland is real and not some kind of weird afterlife for Coco. But then the DJ serves no other purpose other than as cannon fodder later on. A common complaint I tend to have with bizarro books is that they feel like there should be more, but in the case of “Trashland A Go-Go,” this is a glaring problem and I wish the book were longer and more fleshed out.

However, the prose is very smooth, and the editing is actually quite sublime. This book does not suffer from another common complaint, which is that it needs more editing or careful prose. Fitzgerald is quite good and clearly practiced at writing, and this book definitely peaked my curiosity. I hope she continues to write and publish, because I am genuinely curious about what she will be capable of, especially if she gets the chance and chooses to write a longer story. I really want to give this novella a higher score because, don’t get me wrong, the writing is very, very good (and I don’t give that kind of praise lightly), but the chopped up story and superfluous characters were just too big of a problem for me and left too many questions.

Trashland A Go-Go by Constance Ann Fitzgerald earns 3.5 mold spores out of 5.

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Book Review: Gigantic Death Worm

Posted on October 5, 2012 | Leave a comment

Gigantic Death Worm
Gigantic Death Worm by Vince Kramer
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

Okay, since this book read like a short stream of consciousness, I should probably meet it directly and write a short stream-of-consciousness review.

Gigantic Death Worm by Vince Kramer is part of the New Bizarro Author Series, which means it is his first published book. This book is amateurish, juvenile, racially insensitive, and just downright stupid.

At least, that’s the first impression one gets. The thing is, as you read it, you become aware that it’s written this way on purpose. This is not an amateur author. It’s a talented writer pretending to be an amateur.

And now my stream of consciousness just gave me A.D.D. and made me go look at Facebook. Okay, that’s not working. Slow down a little. What’s the book about?

Dave is on a ski trip in Arizona with his friend Mike and Mike’s girlfriend, Suzanne. Dave has brain parasites, or so he thinks. Turns out these little buggers are more than just parasites. Where did he get them? I’ll leave that for you to find out. Trapped on a ski lift, they are attack by bears. Bears that spit wolves. Yes, bears that spit wolves. Some worms grow from the carcass of one these wolves and become the gigantic death worms of the title. This all ties into the Mayan calendar and the end of the world somehow. And then Mexican ninjas appear to help stop the worms. Mexican ninjas led by Ponce de Leon II: The Revenge.

I am so not kidding.

As I said, this story is written like it was done by an amateur, but Kramer is really a talented writer pretending to write like an amateur. He simply throws everything that he finds awesome, throws it in a blender, hits the puree switch, and actually manages to produce a taste little story shake. It’s one of those stories that’s just fun to read. There’s no high-minded social commentary or metaphor here. It was the author sitting down and saying “Let me write something totally cool and awesome!”

While short (a common thing with a lot of Bizarro books), the length feels right. Any longer and it probably would have felt like too much or could have dragged. My main complaint with the book is that it feels a little too diversionary at times. I really wonder what Vince Kramer could write in a longer format and if he toned down a little. But at the same time and at this length, diversionary isn’t bad.

Gigantic Death Worm by Vince Kramer earns 4 tequila shots out of 5.

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